Feeling drained…

I’ve never really stopped and thought about it before this week but living with anxiety is exhausting. Finding a balance between focusing on myself and helping others has really become challenging. It’s so crazy to me how god works in putting certain things on our minds at certain times. I’ve learned a lot about myself and how to take care of myself this week but, I’ve also come to realize how exhausting it can be living when anxiety. Anxiety is such a struggle and I think coupled with stress it makes it so much harder to cope. I’ve been struggling a lot lately with feeling like I can’t do anything right by my parents points of view as well as with perfectionism. I’ve come to realize that anxiety definitely plays a key role in overthinking and overthinking and questioning things is often what gets me so overwhelmed. It’s been a long week but day by day I’m handing it and all will be worth it eventually!

Hurricanes of Emotion

We take our shame and guilt and give it to Jesus to grow in love with Jesus everyday. This is definitely something I’ve been struggling with lately. To be honest I haven’t been taking my struggles to god lately I’ve been trying to cope on my own with anxiety, feeling alone and just struggling in general. Through many experiences lately I’ve realized that god is calling me back to him whether I realize it or not. Some of the things that god wants me to do aren’t always going to be easy but if I trust in him fully I know great things will come from it. I heard a quote today that said being brave doesn’t mean that you’re not scared its that you’re scared but you still do something, and I stopped and thought about it and that’s what God often calls us to do is to step out of our comfort zone and do new things. You know how sometimes you just get lost in reflection over everything happening in your life and where God is leading you to go? That’s been me a lot this week and he’s pulled me many different directions that all lead me back to Him. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t really struggling through this. I’m building so many new relationships and its honestly straining me trying to find a balance between helping others and taking time out for myself. Today in chapel during worship, I darn near broke down into tears singing “Like a tidal wave
Crashing over me Rushing in to meet me here Your love is fierce Like a hurricane
That I can’t escape Tearing through the atmosphere Your love is fierce.” This was just so powerful to me just feeling like I can’t escape the hurricane of emotion that God is bringing me to. It’s been so frustrating honestly but through it I’ve definitely learned a lot. Definitely realizing how important it is for me in this season to put myself first some. Just gotta take a step back and enjoy the view.

Negative reactions on social media

I’m not one to get emotional on social media. Maybe a little on twitter but not on Instagram or Facebook. When I do though I’ve noticed that I get criticized a lot.

I was outside today and happened to notice the pattern of angel wings in the sky and I was reminded of my grandpa. So I was super excited and didn’t post what it reminded me of in my caption on Instagram/Facebook, but I made it known that it made me feel good seeing this. In my caption yes I did say clouds, because I got excited. Little did I know after feeling so comforted by this someone had the nerve to comment “clouds”. Okay, so in the moment I didn’t think about chemtrails but why do people pick those posts that make you happy to crush your feelings. Probably me just overreacting from hormones but really it’s so frustrating. I mean why do people that don’t fully agree with your views knock them? This is the one aspect where I feel like things are better left unsaid, but who am I to judge? I just wish that on social media people would just respect one another’s viewpoints even if there is disagreement. 

Coping with anxiety

Anxiety is definitely a weird thing. I felt really anxious tonight about going to my neighbors house tonight but I went anyway. Just had a feeling that I can’t describe, as in feeling like something awkward was going to happen. Little did I know that was going to come true. I don’t know what it is about me but people find it super easy to confide in me a lot and sometimes that’s really stressful for me. It made me think a lot about my grandpa, my relationship with god and just where I’ve been and where I’m going. So many good things are happening in my life right now and without my grandpa here to encourage me through everything it’s been difficult. I know that he would be proud of me with how hard I’m working but I feel like right when I’m okay with where I am something comes up or someone says something that just pushes me back to where I’m trying to get out of. My anxiety has been out of control lately or at least it feels like it has and I’m really struggling with that. 

Feeling controlled 

You know those times where you feel overwhelmed and just want someone close to you to talk to but you feel like nobody ever fully listens? That’s been me quite a bit this week and I’m over it quite honestly. We all need someone to lean on and lately I’ve been feeling like I haven’t really had that person. I’ve been trying hard to be happy and it’s not working anymore. I feel so alone; it’s like one of those times where you want to be physically alone but not completely alone. Lately I’ve been feeling super down, just with everything seeming to be against me I don’t know how to cope anymore. Sometimes I have those weeks where all I want to eat is junk food, watch Netflix and be happy with where I am but lately I feel like just within the small circle of people around me I haven’t been able to do that. How do you get past not being heard out fully? How do you get passed the control of others when you just want to make yourself happy? I don’t know how but I’m going to find a way and live my life happily not feeling like I have to apologize for expressing my feelings. 

Pursuing god! 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to pursue God fully. Learning more and more about the qualities of an effective teacher has made me realize how important it is to have faith and remain confident in our faith and worldview. Students pick up on more than we realize more often than not and we need to be careful in how we portray our feelings. Gratitude for what we have in the classroom from day to day is important to express because more often and not we just ask for what we don’t have. Finding peace in pursuing god fully is so important! Pursuing godliness is so important it protects us, changes our views on purity, and shows us gods plan for redeeming himself. Loving one another and caring for one another like god loves and cares for us is something that really impacts the children’s opinions of us and guiding them often means helping them to find god working within themselves. 

Routine

Why is it so easy for us to fall out of routine but getting back into it is another story? It’s easy for us to get into the habit of reading our bibles daily but when you fall out its so hard to get back into it. The same is true with anything. I know I should be used to the crap I get from my parents at the beginning of the semester just getting back into routine. After 4 months out of school and homework it’s hard to get back into the routine especially when you come down sick the first week back. For me I think the most frustrating thing is that my parents haven’t ever experienced the stress and frustration along with homework. I know it’s no excuse but being sick this weekend kind of hindered me from getting ahead as much as I anticipated but technically I’m still doing good. I just wish that as I get back into the routine of doing homework and going to classes my parents would Be more understanding.