The complexity of grieving 

Grieving is such a complex process, things that you don’t even think about can influence how you react to loss. For me those things are being spiritual like my grandpa was and being one of the two family members there when he passed. I’ve found myself lately longing for just one more hug from him and one more smile and to hear him say one last time “that missy sure is a gift from God”. I’m confident that wherever heaven is and whoever he is with he is looking down smiling at the fact that I got a 1,000 dollar scholarship and 2,000 dollar grant for next year. Some might say that that blessing over my whole family can be seen as a hug from him which yes it could but it’s not the kind of hug I am longing for. I vividly remember one night after my grandma passed away in 2011 I was laying in bed listening to music and felt pressure on both of my shoulders like someone was hugging me which was odd because I was alone in my room but comforting nonetheless. Lately I’ve been wishing just one simple thing like that could happen with my grandpa. I’ve been struggling through that knowing that no matter how much I wish for it it might not happen and that’s okay. 

So I mentioned being one of the only family members at my grandparents house when he passed away, I never realized how significant of an impact that has had on my grieving process. I remember so vividly when the nurse came out and said he stopped breathing, and how I just ran to console my grandma. Still brings tears to my eyes but fast forward to once my mom and aunt got there and we gathered around him and said the Lord’s Prayer something that to this day is hard for me to do but it brings comfort at the same time. The connection that my grandpa and I shared over our religion was pretty deep and I think carrying on his traditions of blessing every meal and being in prayer for the family like he always was can also make it harder on me in that it’s a great expectation to live up to. 

All in all, feelings that you’ve tried to shove down can come back up with one simple word or action. As much as I can post about grieving posting about it and actually processing the feelings through tears are two totally different things for me. My friends often have to remind me that it’s okay to feel sad and cry and lately that’s encouraged me more than anything. Never be afraid to express your feelings odds are someone else somewhere can be feeling the same thing and doesn’t know how to express it either. 

The effects of loss

Lately I’ve been reflecting a lot on how much I strived to make my grandpa proud. Before I ever lost a loved one I always wondered what it would feel like, and if it was really how it was portrayed in television shows. Having just experienced the anniversary of my grandpas passing which wasn’t really on my mind today, until I watched 7th heaven where they were celebrating the birthday of their grandma with a big family dinner and it made me tear up thinking about how many times I’ve felt that and how hard it is every year. I’ve been wishing a lot that I could just feel his hugs and see his smile one more time. I won’t be the first to say that this is one of the hardest parts of losing a loved one but it really is just longing for comfort from those who were always there for you. July 20th marked the one year anniversary of his funeral which weighed down my mind quite a bit but I found comfort in the verse of the day. 

Something always drives this feeling when it comes to grieving whether it be a hard time or a great accomplishment and for me it was a great accomplishment. My grandpa was always so proud of all of us in the family whether the accomplishment was big or small and he would always tell everyone he knew about how great we were doing. I wish so much that I could just feel his hug and see him smile one last time. I find comfort though that when God calls me home to his kingdom I will be reunited with him and everyone else that has gone to heaven before me. But for now, I find comfort in the fact that the loved ones I’ve lost are in heaven looking down on me and smiling over how much ive accomplished. 

Comforting thoughts

I don’t know why but I was hesitant the other day to check my “on this day” on Facebook, just didn’t want to do it and when I finally did I realized that it was because of what I might’ve seen. The first post was a picture of my grandpas obituary, not the ideal first post but after that everything was fine. I don’t know why but lately I’ve just felt okay where I am, just not feeling so emotional like I was and just taking life as it comes. The other day I woke up craving farmer boys which was my grandpas, great uncles and great grandmas favorite and there was just something oddly comforting about being there. Fast forward later that day I decided to go hunting for Pokemon (no shame), and went and bought my mom flowers from one of our favorite little flower shops, and something just felt so right when I picked up white roses, my grandpas favorite. I don’t know why but I’ve just felt comforted by the signs he’s been sending me, going to farmer boys and buying white roses and even looking at the pictures of his casket on my phone the other day somethings just felt right. It’s coming up on a year since his service one of the hardest days of my life but I’ve grown so much and learned so much since then I wouldn’t trade it for anything. 

Feeling pressured

Making positive changes for myself is something I’ve always struggled with and I’m finally coming to terms with doing things that are best for me. With that as an only child and a pretty great support system comes the pressure from people that want to see me continue to do well for myself but don’t give me the freedom to do so. I can’t be perfect everyday, I can’t live up to everyone’s standards everyday it’s not possible. It hurts me that people feel like they have to control what I eat and when sometimes I just want French fries and chocolate or pizza but I feel like I can’t have it because other people are finding courage through me to make changes in their lives. I’m human too I need to give in to what I want for me sometimes I can’t always be good or strong or healthy. 

You know those days where you just want someone to listen to how you feel and not judge you for how you act, today was one of those days for me. Between missing my grandpa, feeling pressure from everyone around me and just wanting to be alone and cry because I felt like I couldn’t do anything right it wasn’t really a good day. I’m trying this new thing where I process feelings as I feel them and today that was hard to do. :/  sometimes you just need to let go and let God work things out for you. Today was one of those days for me. As I lay here typing this I can barely see through tears just thinking about all of the pressure I’ve felt I’ve been under and trying to process everything. Right now is one of those times where I feel like I should be praying and crying out to God for strength to overcome the hurt but right now I feel I can’t talk but I’m reminded that tears are prayers to God when we can’t speak. If he brings you to it he will bring you through it! 

Emotions 

Why do women feel like we have to hide our feelings? Maybe not all women feel this way but lately I have. Maybe it’s just me living in the past and coupled with anxiety that makes me struggle with expressing emotions but sometimes I just find it really hard to do. As I write this, I find myself lost in thought and questioning how it’s already been a year since my grandpa passed away. It doesn’t feel like it at least not to me. I’ve found myself quite often today wondering why I have a headache and it’s because I’ve fought crying all day. One thing I’ve been working on is how to cope with things as I feel them and today I struggled with that. Sometimes you just need to keep to yourself and do what you need to do to feel better. Don’t let anyone stop you from feeling! 

Change

July… A month that feels like it just happened yesterday. It doesn’t feel like it’s been a year. Last July was one of the hardest months in my life. July second at 3:15 pm one if the most influential men in my life went to be with the lord. I’m glad that he’s not suffering but the void it left in my heart is so great. I can hear him saying over and over “that missy she’s just a gift from God” he meant it every time he said it too. He was so proud of all he witnessed me accomplish. It seems so crazy that it’s already been just about a year, it sure doesn’t feel like it has. It’s so unreal how losing a loved one impacts so many aspects of your life, those things you used to be able to do without a second thought become things that you don’t want to do not because you can’t just because you’re not ready to. For me one of those things although there are many, is saying the Lord’s Prayer. It brings back memories of putting my hand on my grandpas foot and just holding his leg while reciting it in a circle with my family. No matter what my grandpa was facing in his own life he made sure that we all knew that he was praying for us at all times! He was one of the men that supported me and always encouraged me through gods word and I hope that when I find a man that he is like my grandpa was. Sometimes you just need to sit back and reflect on how those that have passed away have impacted your life and just thank god for the memories you created with them while you had the chance to. It’s okay to be sad especially around the anniversary but don’t ever let the good memories slip away. They’ll be worth a lot one day when you start your own family or just when people ask you questions about your loved one.