Grieving is such a complex process, things that you don’t even think about can influence how you react to loss. For me those things are being spiritual like my grandpa was and being one of the two family members there when he passed. I’ve found myself lately longing for just one more hug from him and one more smile and to hear him say one last time “that missy sure is a gift from God”. I’m confident that wherever heaven is and whoever he is with he is looking down smiling at the fact that I got a 1,000 dollar scholarship and 2,000 dollar grant for next year. Some might say that that blessing over my whole family can be seen as a hug from him which yes it could but it’s not the kind of hug I am longing for. I vividly remember one night after my grandma passed away in 2011 I was laying in bed listening to music and felt pressure on both of my shoulders like someone was hugging me which was odd because I was alone in my room but comforting nonetheless. Lately I’ve been wishing just one simple thing like that could happen with my grandpa. I’ve been struggling through that knowing that no matter how much I wish for it it might not happen and that’s okay.
So I mentioned being one of the only family members at my grandparents house when he passed away, I never realized how significant of an impact that has had on my grieving process. I remember so vividly when the nurse came out and said he stopped breathing, and how I just ran to console my grandma. Still brings tears to my eyes but fast forward to once my mom and aunt got there and we gathered around him and said the Lord’s Prayer something that to this day is hard for me to do but it brings comfort at the same time. The connection that my grandpa and I shared over our religion was pretty deep and I think carrying on his traditions of blessing every meal and being in prayer for the family like he always was can also make it harder on me in that it’s a great expectation to live up to.
All in all, feelings that you’ve tried to shove down can come back up with one simple word or action. As much as I can post about grieving posting about it and actually processing the feelings through tears are two totally different things for me. My friends often have to remind me that it’s okay to feel sad and cry and lately that’s encouraged me more than anything. Never be afraid to express your feelings odds are someone else somewhere can be feeling the same thing and doesn’t know how to express it either.