Anniversaries 

Something about grieving that a lot of people don’t always discuss is how it feels approaching the anniversary of the death. The days leading up to the anniversary are most often the hardest, at least for me. As I mentioned previously this Saturday marks the one year anniversary since my grandpa passed away. As I lay here typing this I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that it’s already been a year. It just doesn’t feel like it. It feels like it was just yesterday that he passed and we had his funeral. I thought I would be okay until Saturday even though it’s been on my mind but the days leading up to the anniversary always seem to be harder than the actual anniversary. I know that my grandpa wouldn’t want me to feel as sad as I do right now but it’s so hard not to feel sad. So many things have changed for both good and bad within this last year, it makes me wish that I could just talk to him one last time. So many good things are working out in my life that will come to be even better in the future that it makes me sad that I can’t see the smile on his face not to sound selfish because I know he’s not suffering anymore but thinking about how things were a year ago compared to now just feels unreal in a sense. I remember so vividly seeing his flag covered body being wheeled out of their house with a white rose (his favorite) on his stomach and it takes my breath away. I just can’t believe it’s been a year. I know he’s seen everything we have all accomplished and overcame within the last year and I have faith that I will be reunited with him in heaven but for right now I can’t help but lay here and cry because I miss him so much. 

“Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.” ‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭1:7‬ ‭ESV

God will put us through nights like this sometimes when we don’t want to but he sees our tears as prayers when we can’t speak and is there to comfort us through his word so long as we turn to it! 

Feeling sad

Everyone says that it’s okay to be sad when you miss someone you love that is in heaven. Then there’s those people who say to be sad but not for a long time. Some people get over it more than others. For someone my age, I’ve been to a lot of funerals I think it’s right around 30 funerals in the last 6 years. Through all of this I did fall into a deep pit of depression but I’m building myself up and bringing myself out of it slowly but surely. This upcoming Saturday marks one year since my grandpa passed away and I’d be lying if I said it weren’t breaking my heart. As I lay here typing this it brings tears to my eyes because it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. Grieving is something that people go through at their own pace some quicker than others but either way it’s not about how fast you go through it but about how you process what you feel. 

One of the things I’ve learned while grieving in the last year is who is really going to be there for you through thick and thin. Some people are going to run from you, some will be there at 4 am when you’re up crying your eyes out and there’s some that remind you when you cry those in heaven are sad because you are sad. While that’s true you can’t let that define you. You need to feel sad when you feel sad and learn to not let others influence you. Don’t get me wrong that’s one of the hardest things to do but once you do it you’ll feel so much better about where you are in the grieving process. 

Feeling Used 

I will never understand how people feel okay with abusing others just to get what they want. It amazes me how going through something like losing a loved one shows you who is really true to you at all times! Sometimes it takes tragedy to realize the support system that surrounds you. There’s always going to be that one person who wants to bring you back down to their level but don’t let yourself go there! Lean on those who are there for you constantly and don’t pay any mind to those who only come to you when they need something. Don’t feel anxious over how others will react when you say no, especially if they weren’t a true friend and don’t deserve anything from you!

Timing

Grieving and timing are so closely related it’s scary sometimes. Some days you can do things that remind you of those you miss and some you can’t. It just all depends. Today was one of those days. I was listening to some music that reminded me of my grandpa and just sitting there enjoying the moment (something that I struggle with having anxiety), and just felt a wave of sadness come over me and wanted to come in and be alone but I didn’t because the people I was with were making me laugh. Sometimes grief is going to hit you and for me that’s getting harder because it’s almost July second… The day last year my grandpa passed away. I think about it everyday just about. I don’t know why but I have a habit of looking at the clock at exactly 3:15pm everyday (used to be really hard on Thursdays but it’s getting easier), but that’s the time that he passed away. Grieving, is such a complicated process. I don’t even remember what song it was that made me think of him but between that and playing al green and Marvin Gaye that my grandma liked just brought a wave of sadness over me. Those waves are so unpredictable you never know when one will come, but when it does don’t be afraid to cry. It’s hard to just excuse yourself and take the moment that you need sometimes but know that it’s okay to just have that moment later. Oh and those people that tell you not to cry when you miss a loved one don’t mind them just take the time that you need and go from there. Sometimes you just need to be alone and pray to God for strength and guidance. Don’t ever be afraid to do that and don’t feel like you need to tell someone every time you feel sad, people don’t always need to know! 

Feeling drained 


We all have those days where we just feel so exhausted that this happens. I’m not going to lie, it’s been a busy and stressful week but all in all worth it. I know life requires give and take but lately I feel like I haven’t been sleeping that great and it’s hitting me hard. It seems like I’ve been getting frustrated more easily, feeling drained physically, mentally and spiritually and just getting headaches nightly. You know it all goes back to not letting others influence me so easily in that taking care of me comes first. I mean when your best friend texts you and tells you not to stay up with the neighbor until 1 which you end up doing anyways you know something needs to change. You can’t please everyone at all times and that’s one thing I need to learn.

Putting yourself first

I’ve come to realize a lot lately that it is hard for me to express my emotions because I put everyone else’s feelings first. Through long late night conversation the other night with my best friend I realized that things need to change. I need to feel okay with not sharing everything with everyone, I need to feel okay with saying no and I need to just take time for me no matter what is going on around me. This isn’t easy for me and I won’t be the first to point that out just ask my friends. I strive to make sure that everyone I love and care about is okay before putting any thought into how I feel. It is important for me to just step back and take time for me and prevent major meltdowns, which isn’t going to be easy but I’m ready for the challenge. I have a habit of overthinking when it comes to how my feelings will impact others and it often leads me to shy away from sharing as much as I should talk to others. It’s okay for me to feel like I need to be alone and I’m realizing that but feeling alone so much has a negative impact on me. 


I saw this picture today and just felt at peace with focusing more on myself. I find that I value others opinions of me a lot more than I should. I’m beginning to realize I don’t have to apologize for everything I do that I feel guilt for, I don’t have to tell everyone everything and I don’t have to feel like it’s not okay to express my emotions because those I talk to tell me not to cry. I know what is best for me and I need to start doing that more. 
On another note, today was my first Father’s Day without one of the most influential men in my life, my grandpa. It hurts so bad that I can’t hug him and just feel comfort in his arms but he’s not suffering anymore and that’s what counts. He taught me so much about God and his love for me, how to love others and how not to judge because he never did. For as long as I can remember we would always go to my grandparents house on Father’s Day and practically every other holiday at that but instead of doing that today we went to one of his favorite restaurants and all I could think about was how much he loved it. ” I’m finding myself at a loss for words and the funny thing is its okay.” 

Coping with change whether it be putting myself first or just in general feeling okay with not always talking about how I feel when I feel sad is going to be hard but in the mean time leaning on God is what I need to do, it’s what my grandpa would’ve done and I want to make him proud in every way that I possibly can!

Challenges

One of the challenges of grieving is having so many people all feeling the same thing but not being sure of how to talk about it. Communication is key to processing feelings. It is okay to feel sad and alone but don’t hide your feelings from those who care about you. Today marks one year since my uncle passed away and it’s been on my mind all day. It’s so strange how the mind works, last night I had a dream where one of my best friends was crying and knew that I had been feeling sad, mind you we were crying in public for whatever reason something neither of us hardly ever do… but that’s beside the point. It was one of those dreams where it was so vivid that it is hard not to think about it. Could have been just built up emotions but I don’t know. Back to my point I remember her saying come cry with me so I don’t look ridiculous crying in public. Why this is sticking in my mind I don’t know but I was reading about the meaning of crying in a dream and it could be coming to terms with something that has happened in your life. It’s so strange to me how God put this on my mind tonight as I sit here thinking about how hard it was for me to tell my grandma and my dad that my uncle had passed away earlier that day. Something I never imagined doing, especially not at the age of 20. My mom was in the hospital room when he passed and couldn’t really describe the feeling which I later came to know when I was the only family member besides my grandma at my grandparents house when my grandpa passed away. Having to once again inform people of another passing which we all knew was going to happen but we didn’t know when, well because only god knows when the perfect time to call his children home is.

The death of a loved one brings about many emotions anger, guilt, regrets and sadness. Some people process it easier and quicker than others do and that’s okay. Some people express it more than others too, don’t ever feel constrained when you want to express how you feel. I’m pretty lucky I don’t really have any regrets when it comes to spending time with those that passed away last year because I cherished all of the times I spent with them. In this post I focused on mentioning my grandpa and uncle more than my great grandma but she also passed away in December of last year. You could say that last year definitely wasn’t easy and that would be totally true but thinking about the ones that have passed on the one year anniversary is almost as hard as the day they passed. It is often said that as time goes on it gets easier to cope with the memories and sadness and with that comes knowing that it will always be hard just not as hard as it was in the beginning. Some nights you just need to think about the sad times and just let it out. Repressing feelings and not communicating with others is one of the worst things you can do. The first anniversaries and holidays are the hardest for sure.

Going back to my grandpa, this is the first fathers day without him. It’s been hitting me pretty hard lately not being able to look at fathers day cards without tearing up or just not being able to go hug him. It seems so simple, just buying a folded piece of paper, signing it and giving it to someone but once you can’t give those ones you loved that simple thing and just let them know you’re thinking about them its pretty emotional. To sum up this long and emotional post I would just say cherish all the moments that you get to spend with loved ones because when you can’t you’re bound to wish you would’ve enjoyed it more.